This one is about Mila.
Mila is our stupidest cat, or could possibly be the most intelligent creature in the world, it’s hard to tell.
Mila is 16 and always horny. She likes to grind herself on people and likes to present her bum hole to everyone even if they’ve only just met.
One evening I’d gone to be early and was feeling very relaxed and cosy, lying in bed with the duvet up to my neck.
My eyes were closed and I was recalling a dream from the previous night (no, not the chicken one), when I heard Masha come into the room with Mila trotting behind her.
We have hard floors everywhere and Mila walks like a hippo.
Masha sat on the bed next to me and Mila jumped on to my chest as she often does, and instead of crouching down with her face near mine she turned around to face towards my feet.
Not thinking anything of it, I closed my eyes.
Opening them a few seconds later, Mila was reversing towards my face, tail up, bum hole dilating, set on a clear course towards my mouth.
With the duvet hanging down the side of the bed on the left, and Masha sitting on the duvet to my right, I was trapped, there was no way I could release either of my hands to save myself in time.
I squeaked, pulled my head back and held my breath as Mila’s aperture got closer. I could see the halo of crumbs around her out-hole and the exact shape of the wrinkled skin as it was opening.
I was seconds away from something very terrible happening when Masha looked up from her phone, saw my impending fate and grabbed Mila, a fraction of a second before impact.
I have never been that close to that part of a non-human animal before and never want to again, I’m nearly as haunted by this as I am by the chicken (remember the story a few weeks ago?).
