The terrible incident

Today I have a story from a wonderful Lady who I'm going to keep anonymous:
I have various medical problems of which symptoms are medical illnesses in their own right.  Two of these are IBS, I'm sure you've all heard of that one, the other is BAM (Bile Acid Malabsorption), which is in my mind worse than the IBS.  You have absolutely no warning your pink starfish is about to explode something that is hotter than a bhut jolokia, and it stinks!!
The day started as any normal day, I did my usual rush around cleaning up, putting the washing in the washing machine, the usual mundane chores that need doing.  Got that out of the way, feeling pleased with myself, I sat my arse down had a bowl of Alpen, and a coffee.
Usually when I've eaten I stay in for a bit, just in case I need to get to the bog.
This particular day, although a little chilly it was a glorious day.  My little dog gave me one of her looks, she's sooo bloody cute, I knew what she wanted and my heart melted.
I said the magic words "wheres the doggie bags", and she started her bounding around barking excitedly whilst I got my coat on, I filled my pockets with the "doggie bags", put her lead on, and off we trotted to the beach.
I have mobility issues, my pace is very slow & unsteady but I try to walk where I can to keep my joints moving, and general health steady, weight etc.
The beach is for normal pace probably 5 minute walk, but for me its nearer 20 minutes away.
As it was a nice day I decided to walk.
After a few pee stops (the dog) we eventually got to the beach, I let my dog off her lead, and she sprinted off running all around sniffing, peeing, pooping, all the stuff excited little dogs do, she always stays fairly close running to me for assurance, then running off for another sniff.
We went to walk along the shore line, I usually walked 1/2 hr one direction, then turn & walk 1/2 hr back, then there's the walk home, I probably didn't go far, that's just how long it took.
I'd only been on the beach about 15 minutes, I bent down to pick up a pebble, the familiar bubble & fizz irritated my ring piece, gush out it all came.
Oh God, help... I tried to clamp my cheeks together I knew it was useless, but its all I had.
My dog was still in zoomie mode, about 25 yards in front of me. I turned to head for home calling my dog as I turned. She looked stunned, but came to me and ran past me in my direction.
Good I thought, no one about so I hobbled on each step another spurt filled my knickers, I could feel the burn, and that stodge just kept on coming, I must have resembled a Victorian lady wearing a bussle at my rear end.
Oh horror!!!! My dog spied her friend and his owner, an old chap who liked to stop & chat, no no no, cant be happening.. I stayed where I was, gave a wave and prayed he wouldn't come over, I was on tip toe doing short quick steps still clenching my arse, that was no easy feat in the sand I can tell you.
My plan worked, my dog came running after she'd said her hello.  By now I was sweating, I could see the steps, oh for fuck sake, a youngish chap was sitting on the bench at the top.... Now what?
By this time the knicker elastic couldn't contain the larval flow I could feel bits seeping down my legs.  I'll have to climb the wall, there's a really shallow bit I could use before the steps, and far enough away from the young dude.
I put the lead on my dog, put her on the sea wall, lifted a leg annnnnd squelch, Oh God, please, I couldn't get my other leg up, so I had to roll, I nearly strangled my dog rolling on her lead, shit squelching everywhere, I couldn't get up, fucking brilliant.. I had to forget the pain and predicament, I got on all fours crawled to the bin and hauled myself up.
My dog, well she seemed oblivious, quick check, c'mon girl this way.... I can't tell you how sore and uncomfortable I was, all I could think of was getting home, I took my coat off and tied the arms around my waist to cover most of the anal leakage, but it just kept coming. It stunk, it was like a horses stable that hadn't been cleaned for a month.
My poor little dog, she kept sniffing the air, stopping trying to find the source of the pong, she sniffed in my direction, stopped abruptly, and gave me a look of disgust, she turned and pulled me the rest of the way home.
Needless to say I had to shower, chuck my jeans & pants out (I even washed them first, they were so bad 😂).
I'm now careful if I have to go out, I don't eat before hand.
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